Get Outta Town December 24

(December 24). Nine years ago, I published in the Tempest a letter to Santa. In that I didn’t ask for stuff for myself as I am blessed with family and friends who treat me very well. Instead, I inquired about a few items for the betterment of society in general.
Some of my wishes from that Dirty Bastard from up north included a new music bar, quality DJ’s at KAUR, an investigation into the monopolistic nature of country radio, a ban on any bands that feature little more than the original roadie, and death sentences for Phil Collins and Michael Bolton. Sadly, Santa did nothing with these requests.
But Santa did grant one wish that year. If you recall, at the time I was in a bit of a feud with a certain radio station. Here’s what I wrote about the station I called at the time “Really Rotten Oldies”:
“Please send KRRO a thorough rock ‘n’ roll history book. Someone needs to set them straight as to what is classic rock and what is Jurassic rock. Foreigner, 38 Special, Heart and Boston are nothing more than mere footnotes in rock history, and definitely do not need to be aired at a greater ratio than true classics like the Stones or the Kinks. As for new stuff, I think the only reason they’re playing Cracker is because they think they are a distant relative of Lynyrd Skynyrd.”
Ouch! Happily, Jurassic rock is now rarely aired on this station, except for the occasional Ozzy or AC/DC. Not that some of the current nu-metal is much better, but at least it’s current.
So I’m here today with another letter to Santa and his lovely wife. Yes, I said lovely wife. He traded in that old bat for a young babe. Why do you think he keeps saying “ho ho ho”?
Dear Santa,
I generally don’t write to you very often, but every few years I feel that it’s time that you visit a few people who probably don’t deserve gifts. They’ve been bad, bad people, but I believe in the general goodness of people. If you find a place in your heart to reward them, I’m sure the general public will greatly benefit. And I’ve been a pretty good boy this year, so you owe me a couple of wishes.
1. For the fine folks in the KELO Storm Center, how about a super-duper Dirk Diggler Doppler 10,000? Please, Santa, they need some upgraded equipment – something that allows them to predict snowfall more precisely than 2 – 10 inches. They need a device that doesn’t turn every bit of precipitation or wind into proclamations of impending doom. And if you can’t turn up a DDD 10,000, how about just putting in a giant window in the storm center? Just sticking their arms outside for a moment or two should greatly improve their forecasts.
2. While we’re on the subject of KELO, I have more suggestions. How about a new bar right next door to their studios, with a reserved stool for Steve Hemmingsen? If this was in place, then anytime they need a real reporter for a breaking story he’s only a few yards away. He wouldn’t even have to leave his stool. Instead of a remote right outside their front door (which is a huge waste of resources), they could move that camera right into the bar.
3. For Sgt. Jorgensen, I think it’s time for you to start a border war. I know, Santa, war is bad but I really believe he needs to see some action. God knows he’s probably not getting any at home. But think about it, Santa. The KELO-land borders are very imprecise. Is it really from Spencer to Spencer? Minnesota, Iowa, Nebraska, and Wyoming can’t be happy with our people infiltrating their territory. We need some sort of battle in order to restore order within the KELO-Land regime.
4. I thought long and hard on the perfect gift for Mayor Munson. At first, I thought that he deserved a local version of the Sims computer game – you know, like Sims Sioux Falls. But I have my doubts that our fearless leader can operate a computer.
Instead, how about a scaled model of Sioux Falls? Our honorable leader could then spend days and weeks experimenting with unnecessary buildings at inconvenient locations. He could try opening a new version of Louise Avenue through Tuthill Park, or tourist traps at every interstate exit. Or he could build the largest concert hall of all time. If his theory of more seats equals lower ticket prices, then a building that holds a million people should result in free tickets for everybody!
5. An empty bucket at Minerva’s for the next time a certain KSFY anchor feels the need to toss her cookies.
6. A morning show crew at 104.7 that actually lasts more than six months. Oh, wait – scratch that one.
7. A sense of humor to that perky host of that awful country video show, and anybody else who has bothered Cade and Jen because of something I’ve said. You’re in the public eye, people, expect some criticism!
8. Equal time for the other side of the political fence on any political-oriented radio station. Those pansy-assed liberals also deserve some time to preach to their choirs.
9. A bit of humility for Mr. Janklow. The people have spoken, Billy-Bob. You have always said that those who do wrong onto others must pay the price for their misdeeds. Well, you did wrong onto Mr. Scott, and you must accept the jury of your peers. Appealing the decision does nothing more than make you look arrogant.
10. A special channel devoted only to the young and untalented. Beyonce, J-Ho, Justin, Britney, Diddy. Oh wait, that’s called MTV. But Santa, keep them off all of the other channels so I can just delete them from my remote.
11. Every season of Married With Children on DVD. Seriously, and, while you’re at it, why not some classic episodes of Springer?
12. Some new writers for Saturday Night Live. This is easily the worst season ever.
13. Temporary child support amnesty for my sister’s baby’s daddy’s other babies. After all, my niece and nephew deserve to get what’s theirs. You know what I’m saying?
First of all, if Governor Pawlenty’s tax-free zones work in Worthington, imagine how they’ll work for the local Brotherhood.
Ok, Santa, I think I have exhausted my allotted list of wishes for this year. But before I leave, I do have one serious request. This is a real request. A good friend of mine has a young son who was diagnosed with brain cancer last year. He successfully completed treatment, but recently the cancer reappeared and he’s extremely ill at this time. I’m not a very religious man, but I am requesting that everybody who’s out there listening to give up a few seconds of their time and pray that at the very least little Jakob, and his parents, relatives, and friends, are able to enjoy this holiday season.


Popular Posts