It's Been a While, So Here's a New Rant

(June 16) I struggled this week to come up with somebody or some thing to kick out of town. It has, after all, been a pretty good week. My Get Out of Town t-shirts came in (available at; I just spent close to a month with my son; and this month has seen new albums by many of my favorites, including Wilco, PJ Harvey, Bad Religion, and the Cure.
Let’s face it; despite my little weekly segment on this station, I’m generally a mild-mannered, polite, positive person. Ok, that’s wrong. I’m what Nirvana would call a “Negative Creep”; a sarcastic, pompous, hipper-than-thou bastard. Oh well. Deal with it.
But I really don’t have a major person or topic to whine about today. So instead I’m going to list a number of things that I detest; things that I believe many people will absolutely agree are horrible minor things that we have to deal with on a daily basis.
For example, I hate those stupid cards that fall out of every magazine. Hey, I have already subscribed – why do I need a half dozen more opportunities to subscribe? Even worse are those ads that are printed on heavier paper than the rest of the magazine. Try reading a magazine in the bathroom with those things turning your pages for you.
Now is there a single person in the world who actually enjoys those things? I think not. Here’s some other things I absolutely detest:
I hate that “Let’s Get It Started” ad campaign for the NBA. Actually, I sort of liked it at first…like maybe the first hundred times I saw it. ABC can’t go two minutes without showing it, and sometimes twice in the same commercial break.
I hate any dating show that doesn’t revolve around T&A. Why would anybody watch these sort of shows if there isn’t some hot body falling out of her top or showing a bit too much leg. And I really hate the fact that Elimidate has re-edited their shows to block girl-on-girl action. What’s the point of the show without slutty people acting slutty?
This is one of many reasons that I really hate the FCC. They’ve become nothing more than shills for Clear Channel, and if they’re not stopped they’re going to kill free speech in this country.
I hate Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, People, Star, E!, VH1, and any other celebrity-oriented magazine or television station. I really don’t care that J-Ho has married that greaseball pseudo-Latin singer, or the silly names that Courtney Cox and Gwenyth Paltrow have given to their soon-to-be overly-pampered offspring.
I hate Star Jones. I hate Dr. Phil. I think that Oprah is Satan in disguise.
I hate any commercial that uses “Walking On Sunshine”, “Who Let the Dogs Out”, or any other song that was awful the first time around.
I hate “team coverage” on any local news program. I also hate any five o’clock newscast that does little more than promote what’s on at six or ten. I hate when newspeople who once considered themselves serious journalists suddenly get wacky.
I hate when I get the same spam message on the same day from a dozen different fake names and with a dozen different topic headings. I hate pop-ups and any spyware that automatically downloads programs onto my computer.
I hate spam faxes. I didn’t even know they existed until a few weeks ago when my office fax machine ran out of ink thanks to those free vacation offers.
I hate Punk’d, Faking the Video, Boiling Points, Cribs, and almost any other non-music MTV show. I also hate 90% of the songs played during that 1% of music programming on MTV. Furthermore, I hate pre-awards shows where people named Sway and Shui Ann (or something like that) do nothing more than brag about how “wild and crazy” their boring show is going to be.
I hate when MTV gives an award to Lindsay Lohan instead of talented beauties such as Scarlett Johansen, particularly when Ms. Johansen is wearing a skirt that barely covers her ass.
I hate the fact that people with the loudest car stereos also have the worst taste in music. I hate the invention of booming subwoofers for cars.
I hate all cable news channels. There’s no longer news on these shows; it’s just people screaming the same clich├ęs over and over.
I really really hate John Aschcroft. He’s the epitome of evil; a man who doesn’t care about any rights except for the right to own guns.
I hate the fact that I wasn’t able to get mail last Friday…I had to wait another 24 hours for the official release of the Paris Hilton DVD.
I hate that woman whose entire career is appearing on Larry King to proclaim Scott Peterson guilty. I hope that he didn’t do it for one reason - so she’ll have to disappear back to hosting Court Television specials on DNA evidence.
I hate when any drop of precipitation is called a storm. I also hate it when weather coverage has a sponsor.
I hate that it seems like every major street in this town is under construction, and too often you have no advance warning until you encounter the detour.
I hate these fancy stoplights that seem to give every direction their very own special green light…except for the lane that you’re in. There’s nothing more frustrating than having to wait through multiple green arrows for streets that have no cars.
Finally, I really hate how the sensitivity police have taken over this country. Jimmy Kimmel makes a dumb joke about Detroit and the show is almost cancelled. Morrissey criticizes President Bush and people have a fit. Lighten up, people. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is above criticism or bad humor. Who really cares about the opinion of a dumb celebrity, or an amateur local radio provocateur? Wait, amateur radio commentators have a lot to say…and a really cool t-shirt to hawk.


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