On Earth 2...

Anybody who regularly reads my idiotic weekly rants knows that my life stinks. Actually, I just have no life outside of coffee, work, TV, satellite radio, and the internet.
Because of this sad state of affairs, I have developed a parallel universe where everything is perfect. Quite often I just close my eyes and imagine my life in what I like to call Earth 2, although psychiatrists may claim that I’m just having some sort of flashbacks caused by my prior, more outgoing life.
Today I decided to share with you some of the basic facts of Earth 2 to show just why it’s so much preferable to my dreary existence on regular Earth. I think you’ll quickly understand why Earth 2 is such a paradise.
For example, on Earth 2 weather practitioners have to follow Congress-defined laws that outline when they call a weather system a “storm”. Crying wolf on Earth 2 is also punishable by hanging.
On Earth 2, Ryan Seacrest is a Wal-Mart greeter, and Randy Jackson is an employee of the L.A. Humane Society.
On Earth 2, Chuck Berry is the true King of Rock ‘n’ Roll, and Elvis Costello is considered the “real” Elvis.
On Earth 2, the Replacements legitimately inherited the title of “The Greatest Rock ‘n’ Roll Band in the World” from the Rolling Stones in 1985. (Ok, in my opinion this really did happen on regular Earth.)
On Earth 2, candidates for President must pass an I.Q. test.
On Earth 2, TV pundits must have real blue-collar jobs.
On Earth 2, reality shows outside of Flavor of Love are outlawed. If “vote-off” shows are allowed to exist, losers aren’t just “kicked off the island”. They’re sentenced to immediate death.
On Earth 2, political parties do not exist. Politicians are elected on the basis of their actual positions on issues, and vote accordingly.
On Earth 2, all TV news channels include two non-partisan analysts for every representative of the major parties. This rule forces not only force a truly balanced panel; it also ensures that the 80% of the public that aren’t part of the far Left or Right are represented.
On Earth 2, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Fergie, and all of the other computer-enhanced non-talents work where their “talents” are best utilized – the Bunny Ranch.
On Earth 2, people will be left alone to moderately ingest whatever substance brings them pleasure.
On Earth 2, porn stars volunteer their services to ensure that every man (and willing women) in the country will experience at least one free “evening of a lifetime”.
On Earth 2, poseurs such as Good Charlotte are forced to spend as much time on their music as they do on tattoos, clothing, and photo shoots.
On Earth 2, lip-synching doesn’t exist. This is one of the reasons Britney and the rest work at the Bunny Ranch.
On Earth 2, celebrity magazines also don’t exist, and stars of action and chick flicks are not allowed to procreate.
On Earth 2, groups of women in bars are not allowed to scream in unison.
On Earth 2, awful late 70’s bands such as Styx, Loverboy, and Journey are relegated to the casino circuit. Oh wait, that already happens on regular Earth. This law is augmented by another rule that requires at least two original members (including the lead singer) for any band to continue to exist.
On Earth 2, Married With Children is still in production, along with spinoffs such as No Ma’am and Psychodad.
On Earth 2, local TV news is filled with locally-raised reporters who do more than just provide safety tips that are common sense to a person of average I.Q. They also actually dig for real news. Most importantly, political careers are forbidden for Earth 2 journalists.
On Earth 2, Mark David Chapman misses and hits Yoko instead. Ok, I’ve gone too far there. But John Lennon certainly outlives the other Beatles on Earth 2.
Of course, I’m not leaving myself out of this discussion. On Earth 2, I’m tall, dark, handsome, and rich. My ass never touches the bachelor chair, and a personal trainer and chef keep me well-fed but in tip-top shape. I travel the world to follow my favorite bands, including the still-running Replacements, and I’m accompanied on most of my trips by Scarlett Johansen. Do you now understand why Earth 2 is such a great place?

Comments

Anonymous said…
in the dc comics universe, the earth we live on is called earth prime, where superman and the like only exist in comics. earth 1 is where the superman, batman, justice league of america, are real. earth 2 is where an alternative superman, batman, etc, and the justice society of america reside. at least that was the case back in the 70's when i had my subscription to justice league of america.
How do I get invited to Earth 2???
I have my own "other dimension"... surprisingly, it's rather similar to yours in some ways.
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