My Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you, my friend? Is Mrs. Claus taking care of you, if you know what I mean?
Things are alright here in Hudsonland. My son has graduated from high school, and work is…well, we won’t talk about that. I also spent a week this summer in New York, hanging out with my e-friends. Yes, it was a very good year.
Now Santa, I’m not writing you to ask for anything for myself. You’ve made it quite clear that I will never wake up to find Jenna Jameson, Jesse Jane, or Teagan Presley under my tree. Fine, I’ll get over it.
Otherwise, I really have everything I need. This letter is coming to you to make some suggestions for the fine folks of Hudsonland.
First off, I have the perfect gift for every city employee. They seriously need a copy of that new book, Where’s Jody? Think of the fun everybody can have trying to find our silly Mayor’s personal assistant. Here’s the best part – there’s a prize for anybody who solves the puzzle. If you find Jody, you get to quadruple your pay – just like she did when she took the gig.
Let’s move on. The people who have put themselves in charge of a new Arena are certainly deserving of a gift. I suggest a book that interprets dreams, as they are clearly in la-la land if they believe that a new facility should hold 24,000 people. Quick, Santa, name one act that could draw those numbers in this town. Yeah, it’s silly to even contemplate such insanity.
You may have already heard my request for the fine folks at the Argus. A few weeks ago, I was included in an article regarding new management at the Pavilion. Unfortunately, I never said anything close to what was reported. So please give their crack staff of reporters recording devices to put their interviews on tape.
Let’s move on to the TV morons. I have the perfect gift for the new head of KSFY. What was once a bright spot on our local TV news landscape has now become the most embarrassing half hour I’ve ever seen…and that’s saying a lot. I’ve heard lots of rumblings about low morale at the station, and a number of people have jumped ship. How about we send this clown to Hardin, Montana next summer to witness a reenactment of Custer’s Last Stand? Maybe, just maybe, he won’t come back.
I would also choose something for my friends at the KELO weather desk, but what do you get people who already own every single toy that’s on the market? Oh wait, an instruction booklet that informs them that the true definition of a storm is a tad more than a sprinkle or two.
As for KDLT…uh, let’s forget about them this year. They need too much, and if we give them anything they may come to expect stuff that their bosses will never consider. Things such as staff, equipment, and a working hi-def system. Just give their new weather bunny some revealing clothes.
I hate to do this, Santa, but I must conclude this letter by talking about some people that deserve absolutely nothing this year. You may recall a couple of years ago stupid Bill O’Reilly started this phony “War on Christmas” debacle where anybody who said anything but “Merry Christmas” was a godless heathen.
Yeah, I know it’s stupid, Santa, but there are a lot of morons running around this country. This controversy had seemed to die down this year, but a few weeks ago our daily paper ran a story that revived it in our community. Now there’s a rare day that doesn’t see some blue-haired old bitty having a letter published damning the godless heathen who dare to say “Happy Holidays”.
These people clearly need a life. With our country facing so many problems, it’s such a waste of time to find something so negative in something so benign. The words “happy holidays” is not a secret code for religious anarchy. Nor is the so-called acceptable phrase any evidence of a high moral standard.
Despite what the ultra-religious have been preaching for as long as that moron from The View believes the world has existed, non-Christians really don’t have a hatred for Christmas. I know Jews that celebrate the holiday simply because they have so many Catholic or Lutheran friends. You go right ahead and celebrate the day as you believe it should be celebrated, and those that don’t share your beliefs will do whatever they feel is necessary.
Santa, I know you feel the same way about this special day. Or do you? Watch out, or the O’Reilly’s of the world may label you as part of that giant liberal conspiracy to take over our country.


Anonymous said…
Not on topic, but thought you might find this interesting as fars the national media...

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