Amateur Night at Scarlett's!

I struggled throughout most of the past evening coming up with a target for this week’s episode of “Get Out of Town”. One positive aspect of being a negative creep with no life is the simple fact that there’s always somebody to focus my wrath.
The truth is I’m too excited this morning to cause anybody any grief…excited being the key word. For the third (or is it fourth?) straight year, I will a judge at the annual Amateur Night competition at Scarlet O’Hara’s. Yes, this goofball gets to be Al Bundy for one night – just call it Christmas in August.
Generally speaking, watching amateurs do the job of the pro’s is a depressing event. Not in the world of stripping, though. There’s something refreshing about watching young, fresh-faced, non-jaded ladies strutting across the stage for the first time.
Sure, there’s bound to be a couple of train wrecks. It’s also almost guaranteed that one or two will have a bit of an “attitude” that will cause us to immediately disqualify them as professionals. Those ladies will be more than made up by the half dozen or so whose initial reluctance will culminate in a standing ovation..and I don’t mean just hands being raised.
As a public service to my future new friends, I have a few suggestions for those interested in signing up tonight. Actually, even veteran dancers may want to pay attention to today’s lesson.
1. I can be bribed. ‘Nuff said…meet me at the judge’s table before the show begins.
2. Music may not be an official category, but it does influence my vote. Stay away from the obvious clichés – particularly “Girls Girls Girls”. It’s been done…and done and done. The worst I ever saw was some piece of white trash that used “Redneck Woman”. Ugh. Please save that for the clems at the small town clubs during hunting season. Use some originality! One of my favorite dancers of all time was a little cutie from Minneapolis who danced to old school Social Distortion. I wanted to marry her the moment the song started.
3. No glitter! Why oh why do dancers cover their upper body with glitter? It may look okay onstage, but it ends up on anybody who comes into contact with you offstage, particularly if you give any private dances. Many guys don’t need to explain themselves when they go home. Hell, I have nobody waiting for me and I hate when that garbage is all over my clothes.
4. On a similar note, relax on the perfume. Yes, I realize that part of the reason so many dancers cover their body with perfume is to mask the perspiration that comes with six hours of dancing. But even women that have no problem with their significant others going to the nudie bar may not appreciate guys coming home with any smell other than smoke.
5. Simplify your stage show. I realize that many ladies consider what they’re doing art, but there’s nothing really erotic about elaborate stunts involving fire or toys other than what you can find at Annabelles. Pole shows are fine, but don’t forget everybody waiting to hand over their hard-earned dollars. Do some dancing, take off as much clothing as the law allows, and look like you’re having fun.
6. Drop the attitude. I realize that walking around almost naked for six hours a night can get old really quickly, especially considering the idiots you’re dealing with for the majority of the night. But you are trying to win our favor. Declining your offer for a private dance is not a reason for you to turn nasty on us. Our reasons are varied – maybe you’re not really our type, maybe we’re waiting for a specific person, or maybe we just spent some money on a lady. Since there’s a possibility we’ll come back to you later, maybe you should just smile and say something nice when we say no.
7. Those who are considering making a career out of dancing should immediately purchase Diablo Cody’s “Candy Girl”. Cody was a normal Minneapolis office worker who on a whim entered an amateur contest. She didn’t win, but it led to two years at various Twin Cities clubs. Now a City Pages columnist with a screenplay in development in Hollywood, Cody’s witty memoir documents both the good and bad aspects of this surprisingly competitive occupation.
This concludes today’s lesson. Join me tonight at 8:30 at Scarlet O’Hara’s where I will be joined by Cade, Chris, Eric, and a couple of other judges to choose this year’s Amateur Night champion. And remember, bribes (and not just financial bribes) are appreciated!

Comments

Todd Epp said…
Scott, may I live vicariously through you? Congratulations on the gig.
Anonymous said…
It's a good thing you got those new glasses!

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