Get Outta Town May 28
(May 28) This week, y’all are listening to a new and improved Scott Hudson. After some vicious swats at some ignorant twits, I’m here this week to help people – to help nurture people’s lives.
Sure, I’m kicking some people out of town, but I’m doing it in a positive matter. I’m providing hope that even morons can change, and have fun doing it.
Why the sudden change in my attitude? Well, this past weekend, while everyone else was filling their bellies with beer, brats, and crack, I was actually getting some exercise. On both Sunday and Monday, I spent the majority of the afternoon on the bike trails, pushing my chubby little body to heights it hadn’t seen in weeks…or month. Hell, years actually. From my home in the Southeast suburbs I made my way to the million dollar softball diamonds to the fields behind Cade’s apartment to downtown to Great Plains Coffee for a Red Bull and a water, back through downtown and to Falls Park and then finally back home. I hadn’t worked out that much since the little gymnast girl left my life!
So this week’s edition is sort of like KELO’s silly little helpful hints…like how to shovel snow, rake your leaves, or how to safely use your grill. You know, common sense…but from what I saw this past weekend common sense isn’t so common on the bike trails.
I’m going to read off a few helpful hints…and those that don’t follow these seemingly obvious courtesies can stay the hell of the bike trails.
First off, while they are for everyone they are called the bike trails. I have nothing against people walking them, but maybe those little old ladies in their embroidered sweat suits should stick to mall walking. I thought this problem would have disappeared with the opening of Krispy Kreme…god knows it was worthy of shutting down a lane of traffic. But these women just have to walk next to each other, and really don’t care who is approaching them from behind. Get the hell out of the way! Maybe we could start a little game – five points for hitting the inside hag, ten for the outside. A pair warrants a double score.
Along the same line, if you are on bikes keep your eyes on what’s ahead of you. If you’re riding in pairs and someone’s coming up to you, get into single file. There should also be that same awareness to what’s coming from behind. One middle-aged man got an earful out of me when his wretched family forced me into the grass. Common courtesy, people.
And if your kid has just taken off his training wheels, maybe he’s not quite ready for the bike trails. They just don’t have the balance, nor do they have the mental capacity, for riding in a straight line. I saw a beautiful young woman in a sports bra and bike shorts almost wipe out because this three year old suddenly decided to do a U-turn. Safety first, people.
It’s also likely you’re going to run into someone you know. If that happens, don’t stop in the middle of the trail to have your little family reunion. Take a couple of steps off the trails and then you can babble about the weather for hours and hours without getting in anyone’s way.
Another trend that made me laugh more than once were the bicyclists carrying a payload of accessories. Do you really need to carry a boombox? Like high wattage car stereos, it’s always the people with the worst musical taste that enforces their music on everyone else. Trust me, nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to hear the crap you’re playing.
And what’s with the people fishing? Really, what the hell would you do with anything that you’d catch in the Big Sioux River? Has anyone came up with a recipe for carp?
Finally, I must comment on the fashion. I don’t know how many times I saw a family that featured a father wearing that ultimate exercise outfit – sandals with colored socks, an untucked button-down dress shirt, and Al Bundy pants. Not only does it look bad, but it can’t feel good. Invest in some cheap tennis shoes and shorts and throw on a t-shirt.
Despite what you’ve heard in the past few minutes, I did enjoy myself this past weekend. And those sharing the trails with me weren’t just little old ladies, transients, and beer guts. The bike trails is a great place for my number one hobby – leering at hot young women. They’re all over the place. Tanned shapely legs, skintight biker shorts or low-on-the hips sweats shorts, flat bellies sparkling with light sweat, revealing tank tops. Ok, I know what I’m doing tonight!


Popular Posts