The KELO Castaways?

The other day, I was channel-surfing (not an unusual occurrence in my household) when I stumbled onto TV Land. This is one of the channels that could be great, but ultimately I just get pissed off whenever I land on it. Instead of truly classic old TV shows, all they seem to show are the godawful Three’s Company and the A Team.
On this occasion, they were airing Gilligan’s Island, one of my least favorite shows of all-time. (In case you were wondering, my vote for the worst show ever is the Brady Bunch). As I sat there dumbfounded that such a terrible show is still being aired nearly 30 years later, and idea popped into my head.
You may recall a year or so ago I imagined a new version of Andy Griffith starring my pals across the street at KELO. Having already decided that the rest of the month there will be little “funny” as I use this segment to voice my opinions of the various items we will be voting on in November, I decided that this week would be a great time to re-imagine Gilligan’s Island as a KELO-Land production.
We’ll start off with the Howell family. Thurston Howell III, of course, must be played by the one and only Doug Lund. That’s sort of by default, though, as he’s the only one left at the station from the Midco glory days…and the only one that comes close to the age of the millionaire husband.
I had a bit more trouble casting Thurston’s wife. I initially thought Jaine Andrews would be perfect for the role. She’s getting up their in age, she seems a bit uptight, and to be brutally honest she’s sort of dumpy-looking – which isn’t a great trait for somebody reporting on health issues. But something just didn’t seem right about that choice.
Then it hit me. The perfect person to play Mrs. Howell is the one person who hates me the most (and that’s saying something in that building). It has to be Angela Kennecke. There’s no other suitable choice. She certainly has the proper attitude…and I’ll bet in 30 years she’ll look a lot like Lovey. Okay, make that 15 years.
Let’s move on to the Professor. That’s an easy one. Who else could it be but the guy who explains the difference between cumulus and stratus clouds? It has to be the man who tells us during every so-called storm how cloud rotation indicates potential tornadoes. And we can’t forget his nightly look at his station’s network schedule to explain why we should buy a high-def television at Karl’s TV. Yes, the Professor has to be Brian Karstens.
The next two KELO castaways were a bit harder to choose. First off, there aren’t too many female talent left at the station. It’s really become a boy’s club. But that wasn’t my only problem. Once I figured out the two most worthy candidates, I had a hard time placing them in their respective roles. In my opinion, Kelli Grant’s reddish-blonde hair makes her the perfect person to play Ginger, while Jessica Hopkins shares the darker locks of Mary Ann. Personality-wise, though, the roles have to be reversed. Hopkins’ on-air act is a bit more poised, while Grant looks much more down-to-earth. Since I always loved Mary Ann more than Ginger, I think Kelli should be Mary Ann.
Yet there is one more problem with picking Hopkins as any cast member. She’s no longer a part of the KELO team. I guess in my version of the show, Hopkins’ version of Ginger somehow makes it off the island.
There are no surprises in my last two choices. Who else could play the Skipper but the man, the myth, the legend, Steve Hemmingsen? He was born to play the role…and not just in the girth department. Seemingly always in charge yet prone to fumbling simple tasks, Hemmingsen has always been the heart of the channel. Even in retirement, his online presence receives more promotion than anybody outside of the weather department, and he’s still trotted out during important moments such as elections and cataclysmic weather situations…although his on-air clothing somehow keep getting more and more ill-suited.
Finally, we get to the star of the show. The Skipper’s little buddy can be nobody except for our favorite little thespian, Mr. Shawn Cable. It’s a role he was born to play. Poor little Gilligan, who means so well but somehow always manages to screw up the Professor’s latest, greatest idea to get off the island. The hardest-working, most eager beaver on the island. It just has to be Mr. Cable.
Although it appears I’m finished, I must find some spots for other KELO staffers. How about Jay Trobec as that Coast Guard voice that’s heard whenever the Professor invents a radio made out of two coconuts? Or Andy Harvey as the native islander who occasionally terrorizes the cast? We could put Travis Fossing and Lou Raguse in gorilla suits. For sweeps week, the Sioux Falls Skyforce could somehow end up on the island just like the Harlem Globetrotters. Wouldn’t that be Must-See TV?


Anonymous said…
You have way too much time on your hands.....but it's put to good use!

How about the sat truck cast as the S.S. Minnow. Rename it the S.S. Sausage Link.

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