Hudson's Best of Sioux Falls, Part 1

(June 25). This past Sunday, the Argus Leader wasted a couple of pages of their Sunday edition to something they called The Best of Sioux Falls. They should have just called it The Same Things We Have Liked the Past Five Years. How predictable was this waste of space? Nothing against Minerva’s, Bucks, a certain so-called regional band, but why bother if the results are the same.
With nothing to do last night except watch Jay Trobec babbling about heading into the basement, I decided to stay on my couch and come up with my own Best of Sioux Falls. I think you’ll find mine much more enjoyable.
In fact, let’s dispense with the niceties and right one godawful wrong:
Best Morning Radio Personality (Male): How in the world can anyone choose the Mullet and the not-so-thin ones as the best morning show? Everyone listening right now knows who rules the morning airwaves. Cade, you’re the man.
Best Morning Radio Personality (Female): I wanted to award this to a certain beautiful blonde seated to my left. But last week I heard reports that she was dissing me on the air. I’m shocked and saddened. I’ve never said anything but the nicest things about Ms. Jen, and look how I’m treated. So I’m giving this award to that cute dark-haired woman next door. At least she’s nice to me.
Best Overreaction: The Loop. You know my feelings, and you’ll hear a few more of them now, but there’s no doubt that this so-called controversy has wasted too much of our time.
Best Local Comedy Show: One would think that maybe I’d choose the Caribou Show, or maybe that trainwreck of a newscast across the street. But after the events of the last few weeks, this award has to go to channel 16’s broadcasts of the City Commission meetings. Yes, Mr. Kant, one can watch your hilarious rants live on the air.
Best City Council Member: Kermit Staggers, aka the Voice of Reason. I really didn’t think much of Mr. Staggers until a couple of weeks ago. He seemed like a bit of a crackpot, and maybe he is. But he’s a crackpot who appears to be the only member of the City Commission who’s not bought and paid for; and who’s actually read the Constitution. You’re the man, Kermit.
Best Future Traffic Jam: The Loop. If I am to understand the plan, 10th and 11th Streets are going to be reduced to one lane after 11 pm on weekends. Oh, that’s a great idea. Again, let’s inconvenience everyone because of the sins of a few. Great job, guys.
Best Intersection to Witness Road Rage: 41st and Louise Ave. Road rage is pretty easy to find in this town. Get behind any car with Iowa or 44 license plates and you’re going to be seeing red. Or behind the construction business owner making deals on a cell phone while sitting through a green light. Or Grange Avenue in the Sioux Valley Hospital area. But the absolute worst place in town to drive is on the busiest intersection in town. You have people in the left lane wanting to turn right to go to Wal-Mart. You have chunky soccer moms in the right lane needing to turn left to satisfy their desire for doughnuts. Then there’s the elderly who have no clue how to maneuver through a double turn lane.
Best Place to Determine How Open-Minded Your New Girlfriend Is: Scarlett’s. I wouldn’t go there for a first date, but once you’ve become comfortable with her you may want to try this out. You will know your boundaries within five feet of the door. Who knows, maybe she’s kinkier then you?
Best Place to Have Sex Outside: Tuthill Park. Not that I would know…at least not recently. There’s a trick to finding the sweet spot…at the park. You have to park in the Tuthill neighborhood and then sneak through some private property. There’s an open area that’s shielded on three sides with no access from the main park. If that’s too much work, there’s also Lyons Park.
Best Rock ‘n’ Roll Mom: Barb Christen. You have to give mad props to any mother who takes their teenage sons to Minneapolis to see three nights of rock ‘n’ roll – from the classic guitar twang of Link Wray to the street girls gone wild sounds of the Donnas. Barb’s even allowing her sixteen year old rock ‘n’ roll boy to go on tour with his fledgling punk band, the Unis.
Best Sign That Summer’s Here: Power outages. First two days of summer – first two power outages. And no squirrel was forced to give his life this time.
Best Media Ass (Figuratively): KELO’s Brian Karstens, aka the Professor. Unfortunately, there’s no Ginger of Maryann present as he explains to us how high-definition television works, or what causes clouds. There’s an aura of superiority as he gives us our daily lecture that’s beyond annoying.
Best Media Ass (Literally): KDLT’s Melissa McCreedy. Now that’s one fine woman. When I went out of town a few months ago, I had the pleasure of sitting in the airport restaurant while Ms. McCreedy worked on her script a few tables over. Wearing an extremely short miniskirt and thigh-high boots, I couldn’t help but discretely ogle this wonderful beauty. (Actually, I had another person in mind for this category, but on the legal advice of my sister’s baby’s daddy, I thought I should refrain from mentioning the country video vixen. And trust me, he knows the law.)
Best Blowhard: I suppose I could and/or should give this to myself, but I have to give this award to Robert Regier and Paul Erickson. Two men that have never met a Democrat they didn’t hate; two men who have devoted their life to dogging Tom Daschle. I can understand not wanting certain candidates to remain in office, but they’re treatment of South Dakota voters is extremely condescending and shouldn’t be tolerated.
Best Smart Ass: Obviously, I know a lot of smart asses. Scott Ehrisman probably deserves this award, as does Ben Sagmoe, aka White Trash Prophet. But I have to give mad props to my buddy Pat Hagan, a person who’s vicious one liners actually makes me look mild-mannered.


Popular Posts