Hudson's Holiday Shopping Tips
I know y’all are expecting one of my patented anti-KELO rants this morning after their shameless marathon coverage of the so-called blizzard. It would certainly be an easy task, especially after three days of tips on how to drive, shovel, eat, sleep, and breath. Oh yeah, and don’t bring your gas grill into your house if your power goes out…like anybody would do that.
Well, these are complaints that I have every winter, particularly after our first spurt of snow. Everybody knows where I stand on those ass clowns. Cable-boy summed up the attitude of that station Monday morning when he said right before a break, “we’ll be back with more weather…and a look at the news”.
Yet today’s rant is also a rerun of sorts. What you’re about to hear has been said before. Here’s the deal, though. Sometime in the next 25 days I must venture out to do some Christmas shopping. To ensure that I don’t make a stop at the gun department of Scheel’s, I have the following rules:
1. To steal from one of our state’s more ridiculous slogans, “drive to arrive”. Use some common sense. If you’re in the left lane and suddenly realize that Wal-Mart’s on the right, don’t hold up three lanes of traffic while you force your way into the turn lane.
2. Along those same lines, if you’re stopped at a traffic light in the left lane of a multi-lane road, do not try to be a good Samaritan and let somebody turn in front of you. You’re asking for an accident. You have no clue what’s happening in the right lane, and neither does that vehicle that’s coming along at 35 mph. I’ve seen more than my share of accidents caused by this scenario.
3. Don’t be that person begging to turn left. It makes no sense to attempt to turn left onto a side street when you’re on streets such as 41st, Minnesota, Louise, and 12th. You’re asking for trouble, and I guarantee that it will be much quicker to just proceed to the next stoplight.
4. For some reason, parking lots are especially tough for out-of-towners to navigate. There’s a reason that parking spots are angled in one direction; don’t go against the flow. If you also think that your car is so valuable that you need two or three spots, give us all a break and take those spots as far away as possible from the entrance of the store. And you morons with those giant trucks – pull all the way into the spot. Parking lots shouldn’t become giant mazes.
5. We move on now to the final, and most important, topic of this lecture – instore etiquette. Your heavyweight family of ten does not need to move side-by-side at a snail’s pace. You don’t need to squeeze those shopping carts in the Best Buy DVD aisles. You definitely don’t need to suddenly freeze and plot your route when you walk into the store. Most importantly, drop your screaming, drooling little bastards with their baby-daddies. I definitely don’t need to endure their bitching and moaning!
Well, these are complaints that I have every winter, particularly after our first spurt of snow. Everybody knows where I stand on those ass clowns. Cable-boy summed up the attitude of that station Monday morning when he said right before a break, “we’ll be back with more weather…and a look at the news”.
Yet today’s rant is also a rerun of sorts. What you’re about to hear has been said before. Here’s the deal, though. Sometime in the next 25 days I must venture out to do some Christmas shopping. To ensure that I don’t make a stop at the gun department of Scheel’s, I have the following rules:
1. To steal from one of our state’s more ridiculous slogans, “drive to arrive”. Use some common sense. If you’re in the left lane and suddenly realize that Wal-Mart’s on the right, don’t hold up three lanes of traffic while you force your way into the turn lane.
2. Along those same lines, if you’re stopped at a traffic light in the left lane of a multi-lane road, do not try to be a good Samaritan and let somebody turn in front of you. You’re asking for an accident. You have no clue what’s happening in the right lane, and neither does that vehicle that’s coming along at 35 mph. I’ve seen more than my share of accidents caused by this scenario.
3. Don’t be that person begging to turn left. It makes no sense to attempt to turn left onto a side street when you’re on streets such as 41st, Minnesota, Louise, and 12th. You’re asking for trouble, and I guarantee that it will be much quicker to just proceed to the next stoplight.
4. For some reason, parking lots are especially tough for out-of-towners to navigate. There’s a reason that parking spots are angled in one direction; don’t go against the flow. If you also think that your car is so valuable that you need two or three spots, give us all a break and take those spots as far away as possible from the entrance of the store. And you morons with those giant trucks – pull all the way into the spot. Parking lots shouldn’t become giant mazes.
5. We move on now to the final, and most important, topic of this lecture – instore etiquette. Your heavyweight family of ten does not need to move side-by-side at a snail’s pace. You don’t need to squeeze those shopping carts in the Best Buy DVD aisles. You definitely don’t need to suddenly freeze and plot your route when you walk into the store. Most importantly, drop your screaming, drooling little bastards with their baby-daddies. I definitely don’t need to endure their bitching and moaning!
Comments
And another thing... how come when it snows everyone forgets how to park in a parking lot? The rows are all zig-zagged, cars face every direction, and a row that should hold 30 cars suddenly can only hold 6.
Amen.