Introducing the Get Out of Town All-Stars!

With the Summer Classic dominating the television schedule this evening, I thought it was a good time to come up with a Get Out of Town All-Star team. Over the last two weeks, I have had a poll to come up with a good percentage of the lineup, but as commissioner I have the ultimate authority to do whatever is necessary to protect the integrity of my game.
I’m awfully proud of my team. They all deserve not only their initial induction into the Get Out of Town history books but their place in this lineup. Hell, at the very least they can probably beat the Canaries in a best-of-three series.
We’ll start with the Manager. Who else could be in charge of these Bad News Clems than Mayor Dave Munson? The way he shuffles around the downtown area makes him look exactly like a skipper of a past-their-prime cellar dwelling team. His tendency to ignore his coach’s pleas to replace tiring pitchers, along with forcing my team to spend way too much on everything only reinforces his need to be in charge of this team.
Of course, his assistant coach would have to be nobody other than De Knudson. She’s Dave’s little puppy dog, following him around wherever he goes. When the team almost fired him last year, she was almost the only person who provided vocal support. When that storm passed, she hugged him. When he received a new four-year contract before the season, she was there again to hug him. You can bet he’ll get another hug when he’s finally (and thankfully) forced into retirement.
Now a word from the sponsors. Thanks to an almost-exclusive deal, our team is actually called the Sioux Valley/Wells Fargo/Taco Bell Get Out of Town All-Stars, and our games are not played in Sioux Falls but KELO-Land. Actually, the games are played in Sioux Falls but one can’t fight the evil empire.
It’s now time to introduce the players. Before we get to the starting lineup, however, we need to introduce the benchful of players not quite good enough to make the team. Who else is perfect to waste dugout space than members of the city council, city school board, and the employees of the county courthouse? All of these people have their special spot in the clubhouse where they do little more than just collect a paycheck.
On to the starting lineup. At first base we have former Governor Bill Janklow. Sure, his power numbers have been way down these past few years, and an off-field scandal took him out of the game for a few months. Yet he’s a lock for the Hudson Hall of Fame, and he still is a feared presence on this team.
Second base is a position generally best suited for one of the more shorter members of the lineup, so who better to man this spot than Dan “Junkyard” Nelson. He’s a crafty player who would have no qualms using his spikes on his own grandmother. He’s lead the league in steals for the last five seasons in a row, although it’s unlikely that he’ll maintain these numbers in the future.
At shortstop we have Pam Homan. A scrappy little woman, she was lured to our city by a large free agency contract two years ago. Since then she’s been nothing but a bust, not only leading the league in errors but being a constant presence in embarrassing off-field controversies.
Third basemen are known for squatty power hitters with limited range. I guess that’s the perfect spot for Roger Hunt. Hunt is known less for his less-than-stellar fielding than for his attempts to speak for the team off the field. This past year he made headlines for an attempt to rid the team of anybody who doesn’t follow his ball-playing philosophy. At the conclusions of this season, the team’s shareholders will vote on whether the future of the team will follow his ideals.
Although centerfield is probably a better fit for John Thune, the best pure athlete of our club, we have placed him in left field. We felt that for one short moment of his life he should see what it’s like on the opposite side of the fence. Thune has been the golden boy ever since he was drafted right off the farm ten years ago, but his good-old-boy image has been shattered a bit in recent years with tabloid whispers of indiscretions too severe to be mentioned in this family-oriented blog.
In centerfield, however, we actually have two players who rotate the position. When Pat O’Brien is available, which is unfortunately way too often, he starts in center. Unfortunately, his posse of D-list pseudo-celebrities creates box-office problems. Anytime an extra from a Tom Cruise or Julia Roberts movie isn’t supplied with ticket comps he throws a Star Jones-ish tantrum. Speaking of Jones, a three week notice is required whenever she asks for tickets, as our concession stands need to triple their supply orders.
When O’Brien is out in Hollywood hanging with the likes of Puffy or Ray Romano, Shawn Cable takes over his position. Cable actually has more range than his older protégé, but his tendency to suddenly burst out in showtunes and/or cloud-watching allows quite a few easy bloopers that should be caught become doubles and triples.
Finally, we get to right field. Remember back in grade school when it was time to choose teams there was always that one person that nobody wanted on their team? You would just throw this person into right field, knowing that it was a rare occasion that any ball would be hit out that way. This person would never pay attention to the game; they’d be out doing pirouettes and talking to themselves, leaving the center fielder to chase down the ball the two or three times a game that it would be hit that direction.
That’s what we had in mind when we learned that Leslee Unruh was the top vote getter in this year’s voting. Where else could we place her? The problem is that not only does she have absolutely zero athletic talent, but she plays so far to the right that she’s usually on the foul line. Hell, quite often she jumps completely over the line. I guess that’s okay, though. A foul person should play in foul territory.
Finally, we move on to pitcher and catcher. Here’s the problem. We know who should man these spots, but quite frankly we really don’t know who pitches or catches. Hell, they both could be catchers, for all we know…although quite frankly one of them dresses too nicely to not be a pitcher, and the long hair and stocky frame of the other leads us to believe that he’s a catcher. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
We’ll keep the names of these players quiet for now. Let’s just say that they’re both reporters for one of our sponsors, and one does the daily unneeded West River story while the other is overly-enthusiastic about East River non-stories.  
So that’s our lineup for this year’s team. I think it’s a pretty strong team that at the very least is very entertaining. I know each and every one of them has entertained me on numerous Wednesdays of the past few years.


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