Hudson's Annual Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,
It’s hard to believe that it’s been another 12 months since we last talked. Not a lot has changed, thanks for asking. I’m still a hermit, tired and bored with myself. I still rant and rave about things I have no business babbling about, and I continue to waste too much of my disposable income on music, movies, and porn.
With that in mind, once again I’m here to give you some gift ideas for some fine folks that I have not been too kind to in the past year. Like maybe some cloned family members for Mike Rounds so he could continue to use his position as Governor to create new industries to enrich his family. It’s worked out pretty well for his current stable of brothers, so maybe adding a couple of more would increase our state’s revenues. It’s a win/win idea for our entire state.
Ok, maybe that’s a bit beyond your reach as the patron saint of Christmas. Wait, that position belongs to somebody else? I’m sorry. I thought the whole point of the holiday was to pay attention to whatever our television tells us to buy. My apologies, sir.
Let’s kick off the Hudson gift list with the fine folks at our television stations. Last year I asked that you deliver Lite Brite’s to all of the area’s weather practitioners. I never found out if you actually followed through with that request, but if you hadn’t I’d suggest that you consider it for this winter. You see, despite all of their safety tips and hand-wringing whenever a cloud was discovered, they really had little to do this year. There were no blizzards and no real summer storms. With a winter that so far has been extremely mild, we haven’t even heard Shawn Cable give us advice on what to wear or how to drive.
Here’s the ultimate gift you could give my buddies at all three television stations. Give us a little blizzard that will keep them on air for a few hours. My only request is that you don’t do it on a Thursday, as I’d hate for My Name Is Earl and The Office to be pre-empted. Follow that up with sixty degree weather the next day so I don’t have to haul out the snow blower.
Don’t think I’m going to leave out the news department. They also deserve some treats. But it’s tough to come up with gifts for them. I’d like to say a great gift would be a real news story, but that would have to include some heartache for some others. I don’t want to wish ill will on some innocent victims.
So here’s my idea. We do have some evil people trying to control our lives, so maybe you could create a situation for them that will enable them to utilize those dreaded “team reports”. Like maybe a sexual situation involving Roger Hunt and Leslie Unruh. I realize that sounds gross, but think of the comedy that would ensue.
Before I forget, Santa, I have a great idea for a former television news reporter. Remember Jodie Schwann? Yeah, she’s easy to forget. I think she’s just sitting in her office counting the money the city’s paying her. Who knew that sucking up to the Mayor would result in quadrupling your salary? Santa, please bring her some muscle relaxants. I’ve sat here for some time trying to figure out how to fix that frozen smile, and that’s the only solution that’s come to mind. I’m open to ideas, though. If you have a better idea how to make her mouth move, please feel free to substitute.
Let’s move on to the fine folks at the daily paper. There are so many gifts that would be perfect for these people. Like a proper website designer, for instance. The best gift, however, would be a giant photo album to collect all of those heartwarming photos of pets and kids that plague their paper. The free space could be then used for real news. Yeah, right.
While we’re talking about the paper, I think it’s time for Robert Morast to receive a special gift. Poor Robert – I’d hate to be in his position during this bland time of local music. Here’s what he needs – a new local band that has a bit of an emo touch but is also a bit rocking and experimental. They need to be sort of popular, but not too popular as he can’t be caught enjoying something that everybody else likes. (I know, the same could also be said of me.)
Santa, you also have to think about the fine folks that are in charge of road construction. Oh, what a great job they did this year. What a fine idea it was to have a three mile stretch of one of our biggest streets torn up all summer and most of the fall, but it was a stroke of genius to have almost every surrounding street torn up at the same time. Last year I suggested that our fine Mayor should receive the Sims video game; actually, giving it to the city planners would be a smarter move.
While we’re talking about city leaders, let’s hand out some vacations to Sir Munson and some members of the City Council. They have this misguided belief that a certain section of our city just west of downtown is a ghetto. Sirs, I have spent a (very) short amount of time in a couple of real ghettos and the old Loop doesn’t quite fit the definition. Let’s send our city leaders to…oh, I’d be happy with northern Minneapolis but Harlem or South Central L.A. is not out of the question.
Don’t think I’ve left out the common folks of our fine area. I’ve got a number of ideas that could help all of us. Cell phone blocks in fast food drive-throughs would help us all get in and out of these places much quicker. Hands-free attachments to everybody may also help people pay attention to what they’re doing on the mean streets of Sioux Falls. How about sensors to assist people who can’t handle their large trucks in Best Buy’s parking spots? Or GPS systems for people with Iowa or 44 plates that will show them exactly how to get to Wal-Mart?
I’ve also recently upset an entire neighboring town. Here’s what I’d like for you to do to apologize to these fine folks. Why not bring a pro wrestling event to entertain these citizens? Instead of the WWE, who have been to our area many times in the last few years, let’s bring them a TNA show. Think of the cash this town could make off a show featuring Kurt Angle, Samoa Joe, Sting, Christian, and their wacky eight-sided ring?
All kidding aside, Santa, we’ve had a tumultuous year that has seen family members turn against other family members because of silly little political issues. We’ve had local politicians involved in scandals that would make even Washington insiders blush. So let’s make this an especially great holiday season for everybody. As I said last year, please give special attention to those poor children whose baby-daddy’s don’t supply enough support, both financial and emotional. They deserve a wonderful Christmas, free of any baby-mama drama.
As for me, I expect nothing. Give it all to my family and friends...and especially my son. If by chance, though, you do want to leave something for me in my living room (I don’t have a tree), you can find my amazon list by entering Beyond that, a Replacements reunion tour would obviously make 2007 a banner year for me. Better yet - last year I asked for Jenna Jameson. She’s single again, you know. Or Teagan Presley, Taylor Rain, and Jesse Jane would also be nice surprises.
Merry Christmas, my friends! Be safe, be well, and keep it covered.


Anonymous said…
what I want Santa to bring me for Christmas is a different song on you page... the current one is bit tired.

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