Ugh, I Hate Infomercials!

Before I get into the topic of the week, a word of congratulations is in store. I was wasting a few minutes yesterday with the daily paper, and I was flipping through the back few pages of the Sioux Empire section. I have no use for those cute pictures of people’s kids and pets, and I certainly don’t waste my time with the wedding announcements.
Yet for some reason I actually glanced at the wedding pictures. “These poor people ruining their lives”, I thought. “Why would anybody do something as stupid as getting married?” (It’s an especially dumb act with the news that we actually have prostitutes in our little town. Ok, we have one part-time hooker from Omaha.)
As I was about to turn the page, a certain picture caught my eye. No way, it can’t be him. It was. On October 20, 2006, KELO’s Shawn Cable (aka Potsie from Happy Days) married Stacy Poppens. I can’t believe that nobody told me the big news.
I wonder what the weather was like that wonderful day. Since it is Mr. Cable Guy, I’m sure it was perfect. But if by chance it was a bit chilly, or we had even the smallest chance of precipitation, I hope he grabbed a jacket and gave himself a few extra minutes to get to the church. Either way, I hope he gave his bride a few extra minutes that evening, if you know what I mean.
Congratulations, Mr. Cable. Just don’t Pay It Forward in this direction, as I have no desire to follow in your footsteps.
Let’s move on. This past Saturday, I had a deadline for Prime Magazine. Well, technically, I was a day past when I was supposed to have my material ready, but that’s typical procrastination on my part. I also was behind in creating the extra special end-of-year music list that many will find under their tree in 12 days.
To save a bit of time, I decided to combine the two tasks. My hard-working editor would get a copy of my lengthy year in review and edit it down to the measly 1000 words that I’m given every month.
After three mugs of delicious Black Sheep coffee, I was ready to roll at around noon. Just before 7 p.m., I was finally finished. The caffeine had long worn away, my head was throbbing, so the plan was to just relax in front of my television for the evening (which, unfortunately for me, is not that much different than any other evening).
Unfortunately, Saturday evening television is a black hole of nothingness. Sure, there’s Cops at 7, but that’s it. Cheaters has been moved to Sunday, and there were no sports to watch. But a Law and Order rerun was scheduled for NBC at 9…that’s a mindless show I can deal with.
Nine o’clock comes and the show starts with a Hispanic televangelist. Wait a second! This isn’t Law and Order! KDLT was running a religious infomercial, complete with former television stars I had never heard of…and musical entertainment from Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis! What the f?
How can a network affiliate justify pre-empting prime-time programming with an infomercial? Especially one that’s actually sort of worth viewing? I could handle this situation if it was The Biggest Loser or one of those terrible game shows hosted by failed comedians. At least then I wouldn’t know about it.
This infomercial phenomena has gotten out of hand. There are times on the weekend that three local network affiliates is showing the exact same lies by Kevin Trudeau. Hasn’t anybody foolish enough to fall for his crap actually purchased his publications by now? Or Bruce Jenner’s exercise machine? Or any of those slice and dice machines?
There are only two infomercials worth viewing…once. One would have to be the Girls Gone Wild ads…trust me, though, the commercials are more entertaining than those boring soft-core videos.
The other set of infomercials that were actually entertaining starred roly-poly porn star Ron Jeremy and a couple of other porn stars for a pill that would make you bigger, as they so succinctly put it, “down there”. Actually, what made these fake talk show ads worth watching was the number of descriptions they used to substitute for penis enlargement.
I’m going to age myself here but I actually remember an era where the local affiliates actually scheduled programming at all times. Empty half hour slots were the homes for old sitcoms. Non-sports weekends were set aside for movies. There was no way that an infomercial would be aired at 11 a.m. during the week, or Saturday afternoons. Ah, the good old days.


Anonymous said…
i'd to see dan sutton host an infomercial for the flandraue parker wrestling duel.
Anonymous said…
How about an infomercial for a limited time offer, Parker High School Official Wrestling T-shirts, mugs, and pennants. The money could go to the School for upcoming defense fees.( I'm sure if the individual is found not guilty someone will sue the school board for putting their child in a hostile situation.) You know, the receiving end of the wrestling move, the flying butt pliers. Baseketball in the winter anyone.

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