Girls Gone Mild?

This town can be so silly sometimes. We so desperately want to think we’re a real city. We act so proud whenever a new business comes to town. Developers come up with grandiose building plans that rarely come to fruition. Our newspaper brags that we’re the “Best Little City in the World”, or something like that. Supposed high-society types put on their Sunday best to bid on second-rate pictures of wildlife and trees at the Pavillion.
But we are soooooo not a real city. We’re a large town at best, full of chain restaurants (don’t think I don’t realize I’m part of that problem) and giant chain stores. We act so smug when a resident ends up on some silly game show. We have a Mayor who at best is mildly retarded. And we can’t even build a four-lane road that crosses through the entire mid-section of our town.
Proof of how small our town was made even clearer the past two days. Monday evening, one of our local television stations reported on the furor behind an event at a local bar. A crew from Girls Gone Wild is supposedly hitting town tonight, and City Commissioner Kevin Kavanaugh is not happy. Visions of nudity and lewd conduct have the moral minority of this town completely freaked out, and the police have promised a posse of uniformed and undercover cops to make sure none of our pure ladies perform any acts they may regret the next day.
Oh yeah, and Kavanaugh and his pals have to throw in one of the major clichés of these type of morality plays. “How dare they put on this kind of activity with a day care right across the street?” Ugh. Double ugh. Is this day care open between 9 pm and 2 am? If not, tell me how this has anything to do with the controversy? (BTW, when we get rid of this cliché, can we also do away with the fake consternation whenever a crime is committed “just blocks from a school”?)
So give me a freaking break. Let’s be real about this. Does anybody out there really believe that Joe Francis, Snoop, or any of the C-level comedians that host these videos are actually going to show up tonight? Are there any fools who believe that any “footage” is going to show up on those infomercials that run over and over on late-night TV?
C’mon. This is a touring event, probably run as a franchise-ish operation, that’s booked in bars all over the country. Whatever connection there is to owner Francis is probably minimal, and the crew is bound to be there more for atmosphere than for any actual video release.
Even if the A-team shows up, I don’t think our local heads of morality have much to worry about. As somebody who has been in attendance at many risqué events, I know what the makeup of the crowd will be. It will be primarily a sausage fest, with 200 male degenerates cheering on less than 20 women, the majority of whom should reconsider dressing provocatively. The only other women present will be girlfriends forced to attend, or the best friend’s of the 20 “performers”. It will be naughty, maybe even raunchy, but the odds of anything bordering on obscene will be slim to none.
No matter what happens, though, the bar hosting the event owes a great big thank you to Mr. Kavanaugh and our local media. They couldn’t have bought the kind of advertising they received these past two days. Sure, if something goes wrong they may suffer some repercussions, but the likelihood of that happening is slim to none. Instead of a poorly promoted event that was unlikely to attract more than 50 or so patrons, the attention this event has received has guaranteed a full house. Good for them, and maybe they’ll now take me off their banned list.