I Sold Out!

I hate to say this, but this is a sad day for regular readers of my Get Out of Town series. I’ve created this weekly rant for years and years with little to no interference from any corporate influence.
Well, times change. Corporations have slowly infiltrated even the most independent-minded artist, musician, or writer…and I’m no longer an exception. Today, March 7, 2007, this space has been taken over by…

(Cue Sanford and Son Theme)

That’s right, like the majority of Sioux…I mean Sanford Falls…I have been acquired by Fred and Lamont. But don’t expect too many changes; there will be just a tad difference in attitude.
Thanks to Fred’s vast empire, now under the trust of his bastard son, Lamont, Sanford Falls has immediately risen from the status of a large town to a megalopolis. The entire country…no, the world…has already taken notice that this is the new center of the universe. Nobody in their right mind will even notice cities such as New York, Miami, or Los Angeles ever again.
Why should they? I mean, look at the people of the world’s greatest city. We’re now all morally righteous, family-friendly, god-fearing, John Thune-loving Christians living in beautiful little homes decorated by the fine directions of Martha Stewart and Oprah. We look at Dr. Phil to answer the few questions we have about how to live our life. Entertainment Tonight tells us everything we need to know about music, movies, television, and those wacky Cruises.
Fred gave me instructions to give much love to our fine Mayor, Dave Munson. What a man! Just look at his accomplishments! Ummmm…well, we must thank him for that great two-block road to get to Fred’s Falls. We also can’t forget about his wonderful assistant, Jodie Schwann, who is always (and I mean always) available to give Lamont advice on how to improve our perfect city. She loves suggestions from the public; give her a call later today.
Our media people are also fantastic. Superb! We must give thanks to the fine folks at KELO for always alerting us to those pesky little storms that give us just a few minutes of inconvenience. Those kids are so great at not only predicting with 100% accuracy what’s going to happen in the future, but they also nicely provide us with little reminders on what to wear or how to drive if, by some small chance, we just have to ignore their warning and head out on the always freshly-plowed streets.
But it’s not just their great weather technology that tickles Fred’s ageing testicles. What a crack team of reporters. Not that anybody in this town would ever commit a crime, but they are right on the ball to dive headfirst into any story. Special notice has to go to Jayne Andrews. Both Fred and Lamont owe their lives (or at least 10% of Fred’s empire) to the outstanding work she did in explaining our vision to the fine citizens of Sanford Falls. And, if by chance, you miss one of her groundbreaking stories, don’t worry they’ll be kind enough to replay them over and over.
The daily paper is almost as fabulous. We’re hoping someday to acquire that tabloid, but until then we couldn’t be more pleased as to how they take care of us. We’ve been able to save tens of thousands of dollars in advertising (and remember, that savings is passed on to you) thanks to their willingness to publish all of our wildest hopes and dreams.
One of these dreams we’re hoping to fulfill in the next few years. It’s time, folks, to reward you people with that long-desired new Arena. But we think you people deserve something better than a 12,000 seat building. Our plan is to purchase the entire neighborhood between 18th and 12th Streets and construct a domed stadium that will hold over 100,000 people. There will no longer be any excuse for any act (family-friendly, of course) to not come to Sanford Falls. We also promise to become the permanent home of not only the Minnesota Vikings (we won’t settle for training camp) but the Summer and Winter Olympics.
This will be fantastic for tourists. Out-of-towners will never have to battle the rain, snow, or even sunshine. The Sanford Arena will be connected by portals to not only our hospital but a hotel complex (the Sanford Arms) and an elaborate shopping center that will sell all of the Fred and Lamont merchandise one could envision.
Whey they’re tired of shopping, we invite everybody to visit our wonderful new facilities, including the Elizabeth Heart Center, Bubba’s Rehab wing, Grady’s Alzheimer’s wing, and, of course the Dummy Psychiatric Ward (Lamont had a different name for that section but Fred held out for his pet name for his son). They can also enroll at the Donna School of Nursing, and pray at Aunt Esther’s Sucka Chapel.
This is an exciting time for not only Fred and Lamont, but all of the citizens of Sanford Falls. Hell, it’s a great time to be breathing the same air as the wonderful Sanfords. Please check this site out every week for Hudson’s analysis of the latest endeavors of Fred, Lamont, and the rest of the wacky Sanford characters.


Anonymous said…
Congratulations, you finally drank the kool-aid!!
Anonymous said…
It's creepy how the term 'Sanford Falls' rolls so trippingly off the tongue.
Anonymous said…
Kinda like 'Stepford Wives'

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