Hudson's Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
I know I haven’t been the greatest guy in the world this year, so once again I’m going to try to make up for my bad deeds with some suggestions for gifts for other people. Hopefully, by providing you with this list will cause you to rethink your opinion of me, and you’ll finally deliver Jenna Jameson under my tree this weekend.
Let’s start with our beleaguered Mayor. Previously, I believe that I pleaded with you to give him a special edition of the Sims computer game – Sims Sioux Falls. Think of the fun he would have and the laughs it would produce for the rest of the family. He could try to blow up buildings without the embarrassment of a 12-camera crew when it fails to fall. He could put up unnecessary buildings all across the city without any worries of budgets, time constraints, or public votes.
But Santa, I think it’s too late for this gift. He’ll be out of the game in just a few months, so we don’t have to worry about him much longer. Maybe the best gift you could give him would be a resignation letter. Just write it for him, forge his name on it, and hand it in to Argus head honcho Randall Beck. Then this simple gift will take care of two people as it will give Beck weeks of whimsical Sunday morning columns.
Santa, you also must give the poor people at Dykon Explosive Demolition an extra special gift for providing us with such great entertainment last month. In my opinion, the perfect gift would be a box set of Roadrunner cartoons. That way they could study the great work of Wily Coyote and his dealings with the Acme Explosives Company. They might learn a thing or two.
Former KELO reporter turned City Councilman Vernon Brown also deserves a gift this year. After years of living what appeared to be an asexual, Morrissey-ish lifestyle, he’s suddenly grown some testicles and actually criticized not only the Mayor but his staff. To reward him for this drastic change, and as possibly a public service to his constituents, a subscription to Hustler, Gallery, or Barely Legal may be just what he needs to lighten his new load. Or should I say loads?
Another person you should visit is Dan Nelson. Ok, Santa, I know there’s two Dan Nelsons in town. I’m not talking about the obnoxious twit that somehow managed to turn an entire city against the Rec Center. No, it’s the lemon dealer that deserves to have his spirits lifted. Since he’s now in the same financial situation as his former customers, I’d say the perfect gift would be a vehicle of some sorts. Maybe one of those old Pinto’s from the 70’s…with an oil-leaking engine, an 8-track with a Skynyrd tape permanently stuck, and a 400% fully-garnished loan.
Moving on to the media - since KDLT doesn’t have much to begin with, I’m sure they could use something special. Because nobody even really knows they exist, why don’t you cut through the federal yellow tape and have them officially declared as participants in the witness protection program? Then they could possibly get a grant and these faceless, nameless, fine folks can actually afford to live…or at least their bosses could invest in some lighting.
While we’re talking news, you should probably give my friends at KELO some presents. Santa, I’ve been so mean to them this year. Sure, they deserve it but I’d sleep a lot better at night if you could provide them one night of joy. So here’s some ideas – a Lite Bright for every weather practitioner so they can create pretty designs for those stormy nights of at least a trace of rain or snow. How about a cross country road trip for Matt Belanger and the Rapid City Gay-tive American? What a great way to bring East and West River together!
I’ll bet that Sgt.-at-Arms Don Jorgenson would love a set of GI Joe’s so he can plot the KELO-Land Revolutionary War. I realize that he’d first attack Hudsonland but I’ve been honing my skills with my son’s Call of Duty games. It would be a helluva fight!
There you have it, Santa. Some fine gift ideas for some not-so-fine people. For everybody else, load them up with everything they ask for. Please pay particular attention to those poor children whose baby-daddy’s have contributed nothing in child support. They shouldn’t suffer because their mama’s canoodled with a moron.
So Santa, do I deserve a naked porn star under my tree? I certainly think so.
I know I haven’t been the greatest guy in the world this year, so once again I’m going to try to make up for my bad deeds with some suggestions for gifts for other people. Hopefully, by providing you with this list will cause you to rethink your opinion of me, and you’ll finally deliver Jenna Jameson under my tree this weekend.
Let’s start with our beleaguered Mayor. Previously, I believe that I pleaded with you to give him a special edition of the Sims computer game – Sims Sioux Falls. Think of the fun he would have and the laughs it would produce for the rest of the family. He could try to blow up buildings without the embarrassment of a 12-camera crew when it fails to fall. He could put up unnecessary buildings all across the city without any worries of budgets, time constraints, or public votes.
But Santa, I think it’s too late for this gift. He’ll be out of the game in just a few months, so we don’t have to worry about him much longer. Maybe the best gift you could give him would be a resignation letter. Just write it for him, forge his name on it, and hand it in to Argus head honcho Randall Beck. Then this simple gift will take care of two people as it will give Beck weeks of whimsical Sunday morning columns.
Santa, you also must give the poor people at Dykon Explosive Demolition an extra special gift for providing us with such great entertainment last month. In my opinion, the perfect gift would be a box set of Roadrunner cartoons. That way they could study the great work of Wily Coyote and his dealings with the Acme Explosives Company. They might learn a thing or two.
Former KELO reporter turned City Councilman Vernon Brown also deserves a gift this year. After years of living what appeared to be an asexual, Morrissey-ish lifestyle, he’s suddenly grown some testicles and actually criticized not only the Mayor but his staff. To reward him for this drastic change, and as possibly a public service to his constituents, a subscription to Hustler, Gallery, or Barely Legal may be just what he needs to lighten his new load. Or should I say loads?
Another person you should visit is Dan Nelson. Ok, Santa, I know there’s two Dan Nelsons in town. I’m not talking about the obnoxious twit that somehow managed to turn an entire city against the Rec Center. No, it’s the lemon dealer that deserves to have his spirits lifted. Since he’s now in the same financial situation as his former customers, I’d say the perfect gift would be a vehicle of some sorts. Maybe one of those old Pinto’s from the 70’s…with an oil-leaking engine, an 8-track with a Skynyrd tape permanently stuck, and a 400% fully-garnished loan.
Moving on to the media - since KDLT doesn’t have much to begin with, I’m sure they could use something special. Because nobody even really knows they exist, why don’t you cut through the federal yellow tape and have them officially declared as participants in the witness protection program? Then they could possibly get a grant and these faceless, nameless, fine folks can actually afford to live…or at least their bosses could invest in some lighting.
While we’re talking news, you should probably give my friends at KELO some presents. Santa, I’ve been so mean to them this year. Sure, they deserve it but I’d sleep a lot better at night if you could provide them one night of joy. So here’s some ideas – a Lite Bright for every weather practitioner so they can create pretty designs for those stormy nights of at least a trace of rain or snow. How about a cross country road trip for Matt Belanger and the Rapid City Gay-tive American? What a great way to bring East and West River together!
I’ll bet that Sgt.-at-Arms Don Jorgenson would love a set of GI Joe’s so he can plot the KELO-Land Revolutionary War. I realize that he’d first attack Hudsonland but I’ve been honing my skills with my son’s Call of Duty games. It would be a helluva fight!
There you have it, Santa. Some fine gift ideas for some not-so-fine people. For everybody else, load them up with everything they ask for. Please pay particular attention to those poor children whose baby-daddy’s have contributed nothing in child support. They shouldn’t suffer because their mama’s canoodled with a moron.
So Santa, do I deserve a naked porn star under my tree? I certainly think so.
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