Guest Commentary (and Art) by Detroit Lewis

TIME TO FESS UP
by Detroit Lewis

At the Angus Liar we believe uncovering the truth about local politicians is the
first step to open government.

But we feel we have been unfair by not letting the Skeltons out of our closet.

Here’s a few DETAILS about the Angus that didn’t make it to the front page, Hell, it
didn’t even make it in the paper.

Many have questioned Bob Morest’s journalistic skills and integrity, and rightly so.
We actually fired him in February 2005. We just can’t rid of him. Who can beat a FREE
columnist. Watch out TidBits! PS- Bob has also been told he cannot write about any of
his gay lovers bands or Star Wars collections.

In an attempt to wipe out the very little competition we have. We stole the racks of
all our competitors and hid them in our circualtion department. Once we were
threatened with a lawsuit, we realized we best give them back. Etc., etc., etc.

Once again, the big Corp that owns the Angus, Gannonet, didn’t give it’s esteemed
editor a raise last year. He will continue to use his column to bitch about teacher
pay in SD. It is only a coincidence that Mr. Bucks wife is a teacher.

We came to the realization last year that Jipfest is way too expensive. This year
there will be no admission fee and we will be changing the fare to possum ribs. We
will offset the costs by sponsoring more FOR PROFIT job fairs. This year’s fees will
be $50 to attend and a $5 clipboard and pen rental fee.

We are going to stop food reviewing truckstops and dive bars. The next time Garret
has a hankering for chili fries, we are going to just hold him down and pour bacon
grease down his throat. This should stop the cravings.

Tom Daschle is not running for president. Sorry, slow news day.

The mayor Munnsun torture room is almost complete, and we will be giving free tours
starting next week.

The Angus will be sponsoring it’s own hunt next year. But only our journalists will
be invited. We will be hunting actual people to interview. We will be leaving the
offices for this event, so if you see a Angus journalist on the street, don’t be
alarmed. Not only do they not know how to use a gun, they have trouble with pens,
telephones, libraries and the internets.

Due to poor subscription numbers of our paper we are cancelling all routes that are
not within a 2 mile radius of our paper. We are uncertain why so many people are
cancelling their subscriptions but guaranteed it has nothing to do with the poor
quality of the stories, the revolving door of employees, the always late circulation
department, the lack of retention and the empty promises that come with a new
subscription. We are also real sure it has nothing to due with not giving lower
income
neighborhoods the glossy magazines.

We will continue to publish the STINK. We know no one reads it, but like I said
previously, watch out Tidbits!

There you have it, we come as clean as a newspaper’ pressman’s hands after a
double-digest run.

The Angus Liar. Miss a day. Miss nothing.



Comments

Anonymous said…
Right On. I'd love to make a bonfire of Stink Magazine. I've heard some weird stories about the people at that rag.
someone said…
the editor of Live is a bitch
Anonymous said…
fuck humans. Animals deserve better.

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